The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

November 6, 2007

An Open Letter to Any Bigshot Hollywood Execs Who Happen to Read this Blog

Filed under: Entertainment — Tags: , , , — Brian Lutz @ 11:25 am

November 6, 2007

 To whom it may concern,

According to the latest news, it sounds like Writers Guild of America has gone on strike again.  Aside from the fact that labor disputes such as this one tend to require all sorts of messy negotiations to work out, the reports coming out of Hollywood indicate that you have more immediate problems to deal with.  You may be coming to the realization that those comedians you’re paying big bucks to host your late night talkshows have forgotten how to be funny without someone feeding their jokes to them.  If this strike lasts too long, you might find it necessary to tap into your strategic rerun reserves far earlier in the season than you had originally anticipated.  Above all this is the looming threat that it may be necessary to fill even more of your primetime lineups with reality shows.  Should the day ever come when it becomes necessary to give the banker from Deal or No Dealhis own spinoff in order to fill up a timeslot, it will be a dark day indeed.

I do have to admit that I have not been a particularly diligent consumer of your product over the course of the past decade or so, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  As such, I wish to offer my services to any studio who needs material written in a hurry, with none of that pesky Union stuff to deal with.  There is, however, one catch:  I don’t make any guarantees of the quality of my work.  In fact, it is quite likely that if any Hollywood studio were to use any scripts that I write, the results would be nothing short of a train wreck.  In fact, I’d probably add a few gratuitous train wrecks just for fun (your special effects people are still on the job, right?)  If you want, you could send over a few DVDs, and I’d at least watch then, although I’d probably end up fast-forwarding the boring parts. I’d also make an effort to reuse some of the existing characters.  I might even make an attempt to follow some of the existing plotlines wherever it might be convenient, but I don’t make any guarantees on that one.

I am fully aware that with even these precautionary measures, there is still a good chance that I’d manage to make a big mess out of the canon and continuity of any series I ended up working on, but once you get your real writers back on the job, they should be able to clean it all up with one plot hole or another (you might refer them to the eighth season of Dallasfor some ideas on how to deal with this.)  I also realize that even in a difficult situation such as this one you might be somewhat hesitant to entrust the writing of a primetime television series or big-budget blockbuster to some random blogger, so I understand completely if you do not take this offer seriously.  I just ask that you keep this in mind in a few months when you find yourself re-rerunning reruns and trying to hype up Survivor: Rent Controlled Brooklyn Apartment.  I’d say you can have your people call my people, but last time I checked I don’t currently have any people, so just send an e-mail or something.  I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be any worse than the alternatives…



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