The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

October 4, 2008

The Wages of Zinfandel, Revisited

Filed under: Food, shopping — Tags: , — Brian Lutz @ 11:56 pm

Longtime readers of this Blog (all three of you) might recall a post that I made about a year ago regarding some questionable use of Halloween themed decoration in the wine aisle at the neighborhood grocery store.  Fast forward a year, and sure enough, they’re at it again.

As was the case last year, the wine aisle has once again been dressed up for Halloween.  At least this year they seem to have mostly managed to avoid threatening their customers with eternal punishment for certain wine selections (who knew that pairing red wine with poultry could cost you your soul?) but this year, some of the selections on offer seem to be doing a pretty good job of scaring off the customers on their own.  After the jump, a look at some of this season’s finest wine selections from where angels dare not tread.

We start our journey into the eternal abyss with Sinister Hand, described as a “Primitive” and “Rustic”  blend of Rhone varietals with hints of a Languedoc-like “garrigue”of anise, lavender and thyme.  Since I have no idea what any of those terms are supposed to mean, I’ll describe it as a “Bottle” of “Wine” with a “Creepy” severed “Hand” on the label.  If you aren’t particularly inclined to trust the opinions of a teetotaling cynic when it comes to making wine selections, feel free to give this a try for yourself.  Who knows?  Something just might grab you.

Moving down the line, we have Dracula’s Blood.  Internet searching doesn’t seem to turn up any useful information on this stuff, but I’d be careful, just in case Dracula shows up and decides to try to get his blood back.

From here, the selections get progressively more sinister.  Here we have Sinner’s Punch, a locally produced red wine for which I’m not finding a whole lot of info.  Nonetheless, I’d recommend against having a glass or two of this stuff on your way over to the final judgment.  On the other hand, there are worse things you could drink…

Like a nicely chilled glass of Pure Evil, for example.  This Chardonnay comes from Australia, and has a nose of fire and brimstone, with just a subtle hint of the Gall of Bitterness.  Also available in a Cabernet Sauvignon, perfect for pairing with the perpetually burning flesh of the fallen. 

But if you want to skip all the formalities, just chug  a bottle of Damnation and book yourself a one-way ticket to Hell today.  Just be sure to say hello to Dante on the way down.

After today’s tasting has been completed, the guy in the black robe will be your designated driver.  The randomly placed balloons will add a nice little touch of color for you to enjoy as you are dragged down to the gulf of misery and endless woe.  As for me and my house, I think I’ll be sticking with the grape soda, OK?


1 Comment »

  1. Why are you getting wine from a grocery store anyways?

    Comment by Lewk — October 6, 2008 @ 2:13 pm

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