The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

January 13, 2009

I’ve Got Just One Single Problem…

Filed under: Personal Stuff — Tags: , — Brian Lutz @ 5:48 pm

Image credit: Flickr user doubl

There is a piece of apocryphal folklore (no definitive attribution exists for the quote) within the LDS church that the prophet Brigham Young once said that anyone who was over the age of 25 and unmarried is  a menace to society.  A number of ancient cultures actually imposed legal penalties on men above a certain age who were unmarried, ranging from taxation to some form of public humiliation.  In fact, in some cities in Germany there is  a tradition known as Treppe fegen where an unmarried 30 year old is made to sweep the steps of some public building (usually the City Hall) on his birthday.  This is usually done using a rather small and impractical broom as the man’s friends sprinkle sand, bottle caps  or other similar detritus on the steps as he goes along.  This sweeping is supposed to continue until the bachelor in question is kissed by a virgin.  If you do a search for “Treppe fegen” on YouTube, you can find several videos showing this

Fortunately for me, no such customs or laws exist in America that I am aware of, otherwise the steps of City Hall would probably be incredibly clean by now.  By choice or otherwise (to be honest, I’m not entirely sure which,) I find myself in the position of being 30 1/2 years old and still single, and at the present time haven’t ever really done a whole lot to change that.  To be honest, there is quite a bit about the whole bachelor lifestyle that I enjoy, mostly the part about being able to do pretty much whatever I want (within the limits of the law and society, of course) without anyone telling me what to do, being able to stay up until 2am every night, and other things like that.  On the other hand, not having anyone around to tell me what to do means that my apartment has become something of a mess (I am not going to even talk about how long the pile of clean laundry has been on the floor by now) and often I find it difficult to keep track of what I am supposed to be doing when I’m trying to manage my own time.  Regardless of the merits (or lack thereof) of the whole bachelor lifestyle, the fact of the matter is that I am just really starting to get sick and tired of being single at this point. With my 31st birthday (at which point I will be too old to attend the Young Single Adult ward at church) just a few months away, I’m also starting to get the sneaking suspicion that the proverbial clock is ticking on the whole thing, and if I don’t find someone soon there’s a good chance I never will.  There’s just one minor problem:  I don’t have a clue where to look.

Yes, there are the other members of the Singles Ward I attend, but to be honest, there is only a handful of people (male or female) within the ward that I even really know all that well, and even those people I rarely have any contact with outside of church itself.  Part of this has to do with an inability to remember names and faces until I have talked with someone many times.  I can have a conversation with someone I am not familiar with, and five minutes later I will have completely forgotten their name or what we even talked about.  The other problem I seem to run into with this is that the women within the ward that catch my attention are invariably the ones who are already taken.  I can name at least three people who have been in the ward during the time I have been there who I really would have liked to have at least taken out on a date or two or possibly even pursued a relationship with, but by the time I realized this they were either steadily dating the person they would eventually marry or already had an engagement ring on their finger.  I suppose that means I should be a bit more proactive about this type of thing, but there’s still the pesky matter of actually FINDING Ms. Right somewhere first, and to be honest, I’m probably doing a really lousy job of that too.

Nonetheless, I believe that somewhere out there, there’s a young woman with whom I can spend the rest of mortality and eternity with and raise a family, and I’m guessing that by now she’s getting sick of waiting around for me to find her too.  I’m just not sure if I’m looking in the right place to find her, or if she’s been here all along and I just haven’t been paying attention.  All I know is that one way or another, marriage is something that I’d really like to get right the first time, because it’s enough of a pain finding the right person to marry the first time, and there’s no way I’d ever want to go through it all again.  Maybe she’s even reading this and wishing that I’d hurry up and find her so we can both get on with our lives and quit being so freakin’ single all the time.  In the meantime, I wonder if it would help if I went out and swept the stairs at City Hall for a while?



  1. She’s out there somewhere! Any girl would be lucky to have you. If I had any single friends I would set you up on some dates. Good luck! Maybe our family should hold a special fast for you ;).

    Comment by Jacki — January 13, 2009 @ 9:21 pm

  2. Okay, the stair sweeping thing made me laugh… a lot. You will find her, don’t you worry! And when you do I will put her through the same hell I subject all of Jason’s girlfriends to! If I were you, I would put your free time/ energy into a dating website. I heard they are a blast and it seemed to work out well for Opa! Good luck Brian! :)

    Comment by Heather Lively — January 15, 2009 @ 3:50 pm

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