Nestled along the edge of State Street in Provo, in a relatively quiet strip mall lies Macey’s, an unassuming looking grocery store which is part of a small 10-store chain found throughout the Salt Lake City Metro area. From the outside, it looks much like any other store you might find in the area (aside from the presence of various food storage supplies in front of the store, which would probably seem just a little bit odd if not for the fact that this is the middle of Utah we’re talking about here,) Yet behind the walls of this grocery store lies a rich, creamy secret of epic proportions. Lurking within the deli section is a monster, a true eighth wonder of the frozen confectionery world. That monster is known as the Kong Kone. I have come face to face with this monster, and have survived to tell the tale of an encounter with the most gigantic ice cream cone (of Doom) I have ever seen. This tale may be found after the jump.
This actually wasn’t the first time I have been in this particular store. I was here at 11:30 on a Saturday night on a previous visit to Provo a couple of years ago, at which point the store was about as busy as I have ever seen any of the stores up here. The fact that these stores close on Sunday probably has something to do with it. Right away when you walk into the front door of this store, you encounter Macey’s Gigantic Wall of Values (and presumably when circumstances permit, Doom) which sets the tone for the rest of the store. The place certainly isn’t the fanciest grocery store I’ve ever been in (in fact, the whole place comes off as being rather warehouse-like in appearance) but there are a number of interesting features to this store compared to the relatively high-end stores found on the Eastside. For one thing, as mentioned above, there is a significant portion of the store dedicated to selling food storage items (things like 5-gallon buckets of dehydrated refried beans, all sorts of stuff in #10 cans, and a bunch of the other assorted supplies you might need to feed a small army after an Apocalypse or two.)
The reason I ended up here in the first place was that I was out with my Brother on Saturday, wandering through Provo with nothing in particular to do when he suggested we go for ice cream. Specifically, he said I should go get a Kong Kone at Macey’s, and warned me that it might just be too much ice cream. Not having anything better to do, I went along with the suggestion, and when I arrived at the store, I was warned once again of the sheer size of the Kong Kone. And sure enough, they’ve even got a very-nearly-but-not-quite trademark-infringing ape to reinforce the message.
The prices of the cones are, as I would come to find out, somewhat deceptive. The small cone goes for 48 cents, where the Kong size cone sells for $1.29. Just how much ice cream is a buck twenty-nine going to get you anyway? Little did I know that the Kong Kone would truly live up to its name…
Uh oh, THIS is about to get a whole lot more unfortunate. This wasn’t even the whole thing.
By the time all was said and done, this is the gargantuan pile of soft serve I found myself up against. I think that cone up on top is just up there for decoration; there’s no way anyone would be able to eat the thing that way without leaving a trail of melted ice cream goop behind them. For that matter, I’m not sure how the heck I was supposed to eat this thing in the first place…
Eventually I dug in and made some sort of attempt try to eat this thing, but there was no way in heck I was ever going to get through it. Eventually I ended up splitting it in half, finishing off the cone portion, and just dumping the rest. Even the small cones that my brother and his not-quite-girlfriend (or something like that) had were probably large enough to beat up a Dairy Queen cone. This thing was ridiculously huge. I’ve managed to finish a Grande Challenge before (long story on that one, but that’s another post) but there’s no way in heck I’d ever manage to eat one of these things in one sitting. I suspect that there are people who can somewhere out there (putting themselves at risk of the mother of ice cream headaches in the process,) but I’m definitely not one of them. I think I’ll be sticking to the small cones for now, thank you very much.