The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

March 10, 2010

All Dressed Up and Going Nowhere Fast: The Not-So-Secret Life of the Department Store Mannequin

Filed under: shopping — Tags: — Brian Lutz @ 12:31 am


 You see them all the time, but hardly ever give much thought to them.  That’s pretty much the idea, really.  Mannequins are designed for one purpose:  To stand around all day and (most of the time) look fashionable.  Not that the job is all fun and games, of course.  After all, how would you like have to stand around all day in public wearing nothing but underwear (or, if you happened to end up in the jewelry department, quite possibly even less?)  Furthermore, it seems almost be more the exception than the rule for mannequins these days to receive the full complement of body parts which us humans have become accustomed to as standard equipment…  Then again, as inanimate slabs of vaguely human-shaped plastic and fiberglass, they tend to be a few parts short of being capable of much complaint as well.  Mostly they just silently stand around and do the job they were designed to do, but on occasion a mannequin or two manages to stand out from the anonymous crowd.  After the jump, we’ll take a look at a few of these mannequins, all dressed up and going nowhere fast.

The primary purpose of a mannequin is, of course,  to show off various items of clothing.  Not that this necessarily means that mannequins will always be  fashionable.  In the boys department we find this ridiculously overdressed torso sporting no less than three polo shirts with upturned collars  at once, proving that it’s never too early to start dressing your kid like a drunken Frat boy.

If you’re worried about your kids turning too preppy on you with all those popped collars, there are other alternatives available.  These three mannequins demonstrate the proper way to dress your kids for a lucrative career in stealing lunch money.  The goofy looking sandals are, presumably, optional.

With the unusually warm winter we’ve been having up here this year, it’s not too suprising that other  mannequins seem more than a little confused about what exactly they’re supposed to be wearing right now.  Is that winter jacket just a little too warm for you right now?  No problem!  Just put on a bikini under it, and you’ll be ready for everything…  Except for partly cloudy and 53. which seems to be the standard weather here most days.

You know what they say how the only thing worse than finding a worm in your apple is finding half a worm in your apple?  I suspect the same thing probably goes for heads.

If you happen to be one of the mannequins lucky enough to actually have a head, there are a few choices of materials that might come along with it.  Fake carbon fiber:  It’s not just for cheap aftermarket Honda Civic hoods anymore!

It seems that headlessness is a common enough condition among mannequins that most seem to be able to just deal with it.  Others seem to have a bit more trouble accepting this fact, and make various halfhearted attempts to compensate.  This one seems to have taken up Yoga to gain the flexibility needed to substitute a foot in place of her missing head.  Somehow, the effect didn’t work out quite as well as she had hoped.  She briefly considered drawing a smiley face on her sole, but then realized that would just be incredibly silly, and probably even less convincing.  Besides, if you think a Natarajasana pose is tough enough for humans to be able to do, just imagine how much worse it would be if you were  made out of plastic.

Others seem to persist in denial of their headlessness, and continue to act as though they had heads.  Rather than acknowledge the obvious reasons, these well-dressed travelers pretend to be perplexed about why their binoculars don’t seem to be working correctly.

One of the most difficult parts of the mannequin’s job is the fact that unless they manage to get themselves shoved into some dark storage closet in pieces, they never really get a break.  Not even for…  Oh, never mind. 

About three seconds after the picture was taken, this slightly preoccupied  figure managed to accidentally wander into the path of an oncoming stroller.  Poor little thing never saw it coming, but that’s the type of thing that happens when you don’t have your head screwed on right.

Meanwhile this lady does not yet seem to have accepted the fact that yes, after four years of Mime school, this was  the only job she could get. 

Finally, we have this justification for an irrational fear of mannequins, located conveniently behind a well-secured window.  Or at least I sure HOPE that’s a well secured window.  If those things ever managed to get out, who knows what kind of horrors they could inflict…


1 Comment »

  1. Oh my gosh, I about lost it when you wrote about the half of a worm. LOL!! Those last mannequins (the clown ones) are freakin’ scary!!!!

    Comment by Jennifer Moneymaker Owens — March 10, 2010 @ 11:24 pm

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