The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

May 10, 2011

A Garden of Dubious Delights

Filed under: Random Stuff — Brian Lutz @ 1:38 am

Having spent the most of the past six years living in apartments, I’ve found opportunities to do gardening have become rather rare.   This is especially true of my current dwelling, an urban apartment with no attached balcony or porch (the balconies on the other side of the building I live in do include planters, but as far as I am aware those are managed by a landscaping service rather than by the tenants.)  Not that I’ve ever been mistaken for a green thumb of any sort, but I certainly don’t mind an occasional bit of digging in the dirt every once in a while, even if most of that time that ends up being in the form of pulling weeds.  With Mother’s Day this past weekend, I took an opportunity to do a bit of gardening on behalf of my Mom by putting flowers in a couple of the large planters my parents keep on their front porch.  I have done this a number of times for Mothers Day in the past, and my Mom seems to enjoy the results (probably just as much because that means she doesn’t have to do it as because they’re nice to look at,) but I also enjoy this little project because it provides an opportunity to take a trip up to Molbak’s in Woodinville, one of the largest garden stores in the area, and kind of a cool place to just wander around for a while. 

While in the course of picking out plants to put in the two planters, I noted that there seems to be a lot of unusual (I suppose that’s one way to put it) garden statuary being offered for sale these days.  Anyone who has spent enough time in one of these places is probably well acquainted with the usual selection of fountains, fairies and frogs, but these days there’s all sorts of new and slightly interesting ways to decorate your garden (provided you can get past the sticker shock that comes with a lot of these pieces.)  After the jump, we’ll take a look at a few of these.


As you might expect, fairies (or somewhat plasticky replicas thereof)  continue to be in abundant supply in the garden these days.  This particular one seems a little miffed about something.  If I had to guess, it’s probably the $175 price tag, which also happens to make a really lousy substitute for a shoe.  Especially when you only have one.

I have absolutely no idea what’s supposed to be going on here.  All I know is that somehow, Batman is going to pay dearly for this one.  Well actually, I doubt Batman had anything to do with this at all, but when has that ever stopped any crook in Gotham City from plotting gruesome revenge?  (Figures sold separately.  May contain small parts, not recommended for children under age 3.)

And for those of you who have been looking to modernize your garden statues, this particular frog is guaranteed to bring your garden into the 21st century!  Well OK, it’ll only get you about halfway into the last decade or so, but even that’s progress, right?  Unless they just happen to be using that non-infringing concrete replica music player as a strategically placed object  to cover up this particular frog’s persistent exhibitionist tendencies, in which case all bets are off.

Oh, this looks like a lovely little perfectly safe birdbath!  Yep, niiice and safe.  I don’t see any possible way that this one could be any sort of poorly disguised trap at all!  That’s right little birdies, it’s time for a swim, last one in is a rotten egg!

…What?  You don’t believe me?  Oh come on,  it’s–Hey, where are you going? 

If your preferences run more toward gargoyles, they’ve got plenty of those too.  Just don’t count on them to do much more than sit around looking lazy.  That brown one in the middle seems to be pondering whether or not he could get away with dropping that pillar on top of the slumbering white gargoyle.  Would cost him $220, but it would sure teach that lazy little so-and-so a lesson.

If you’re looking for something to make your garden just a little more nightmarish, they’ve got you covered for that one as well.  Then again, sometimes you just look at your yard and think, “You know, if I just had some concrete asparagus with the disembodied face of Bill Clinton on it, it would really tie the whole place together.” 

Speaking of wall decorations, these things seem to have become rather popular lately, for some reason I have yet to figure out.  I have no idea what the sun and the moon have been up to lately, but whatever it is, it’s been making a humongous mess out of the tides down here.

This, in spite of being cast in what appears to be copper and/or bronze, comes across as just a tad morbid.  Yeah, I know about the Law of Nature, Survival of the fittest and all that, stuff they ruined my naps in Biology class with, but if you’re going to make something that’s presumably intended to be a decorative piece, could you at least do it without the gratuitous impaling?  Thanks.

This bird, on the other hand, happens to be a little bit less morbid.  Sure, it looks like a gigantic rusted-out and quite possibly reanimated dead chicken, but if you’re trying to give your garden that distinctive “I’ve got three old Camaros on cinder blocks in the front yard” look, this one will do the trick.  As long as you don’t mind the $400 pricetag, that is.

If you’re looking for a way to make a nice little cozy space in the backyard and/or burn the whole place down when something goes horrendously awry, a firepit is always a good choice.  But at the prices they charge around this place, you’d think that maybe they could actually afford some real fire here.  Actually, the simulated fire effect they’re trying unsuccessfully to use here does work reasonably well under the right circumstances, but these certainly aren’t those right circumstances.

And finally, for no apparent reason, here’s a gratuitously humongous set of windchimes, perfect for one-upping that obnoxious neighbor down the street with the annoying windchime collection.  And a steal too, at only $2,400 for the set.  (Thoroughly impractical flowerpots sold separately.)

As for the flowerpots I went to fill?  Well, here’s the end result:

These ones are, of course, the “Before” photos.  I’m hoping the “After” photos look a little bit better.

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