The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

May 2, 2013

OK, What Next?

Filed under: Personal Stuff — Brian Lutz @ 1:01 am

As seems to be the case on a fairly regular basis, I’ve been quiet here for a bit lately.  It’s not that I haven’t had things to write about (I’ve still got a whole Disneyland trip to go over, plus another trip coming up next weekend,) it’s just that I’ve been busy not only with work (which continues to take up a disproportionate amount of my time,) but also with some personal challenges I have going on right now.  Although out of respect for those involved I feel that I should avoid discussing the details here, the short version of is that I am currently in the process of dealing with a rather significant setback in my personal life.  It’s nothing that I can’t get over, and I feel that all involved (including myself) have handled this about as well as it can be handled, but at the same time it also leaves me having to do some pretty serious reevaluation of where I am right now, and where I plan to be in the future.  I already have some of this coming up with the need to figure out where I’m going to be living in a couple of months (having to deal with apartment leases every year gets to be a serious pain after a while, but in the end it’s mostly just background noise in the bigger picture,) but recent events constitute a pretty significant change of plans for my indefinite future, one that I had not expected to have to deal with at this point.

To be honest, although there is definitely a significant amount of disappointment involved here, in some ways that’s the easiest part of the whole thing to deal with.  Yes, it’s true that things have not gone the way I had hoped they would for me in this case, but nobody is immune to that type of thing, and it serves no useful purpose to obsess over it or to make a bigger deal out of it than it really is.  On the other hand, I think the part of the experience that’s most difficult for me to deal with is the uncertainty that comes with this.  For years now, I’ve just had a general sense that I’ve been “running behind” on life in general.  If you had told me fifteen years ago that I’d be where I am now, in some ways I’d be quite happy about it, but at the same time I’d also have to tell myself that there are some goals my 20-year-old self would assume that I would have figured out years ago which remain unfulfilled at this time.  I know that one way or another things will all work out eventually, but I tend to be impatient about these things.  Then again, knowing what I was like back then, I suspect that my 20-year-old self would have dealt with this particular situation much differently than I am dealing with it now, and not in a good way.  Looking back at that time, if there’s one thing I’m thankful for, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to (mostly) grow out of the cynicism and pessimism that tended to dominate my mood during my earlier years.  It does still manage to creep back every once in a while, but I’ve learned to mostly ignore it, and when I can’t ignore it to keep it to myself.  Having a bad attitude about things rarely does much besides get people into trouble.  I suppose some people might call this type of thing maturity, but I suspect that even now I still have a lot to learn.

In particular, the most frustrating of the challenges I still face is the fact that, at age 35, I am still single with little idea of how I’m going to fix that.  Sure, I’ve managed to carve out a reasonably comfortable and stable niche for myself where I am, and by most accounts I’m doing pretty well in most areas, but finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with (and beyond) just still seems to elude me for some reason, and it makes it difficult for me to be completely happy with where I am right now.  Then again, given the consequences that arise when people end up getting that particular decision wrong or rush into it without proper forethought and planning, I firmly believe that this is the type of thing that you do not rush into.  I’ve seen far too many instances where making bad decisions here can lead to all sorts of problems and complications down the road (especially when children get involved in the process.)  I suppose everyone gets their own set of challenges and trials to deal with, and this seems to be one of the bigger ones on my plate, but I do imagine I’ll manage to figure this one out eventually.  Sooner than later would be nice, but at this point I’m mostly just hoping I can manage to not have to deal with teenagers when I’m 60 years old.

I apologize for being vague about all this, but I feel it’s best that I keep the specifics of what happened off the Internet.  In the end I’ll be OK and I’ll probably manage to learn some valuable lessons out of the whole process, but I suspect things will take a bit of time to sort out, and in the meantime I just need to deal with things as they happen.  I wish I had some idea about where all of this is leading me, but if I knew that there wouldn’t be any point in going along for the ride, right?

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2 Comments »

  1. You are amazing! Life will work out for you exactly the way it’s supposed to. Love you, Brian!

    Comment by Jacki — May 6, 2013 @ 11:55 am

  2. Waiting on the Lord’s time table is always hard. Remember you are loved and everything will work out for your best. Love, Emily

    Comment by Emily L. — May 7, 2013 @ 2:18 pm


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