The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

January 27, 2014

The Stupidest Idea I’ve Had All Week: Optimizing Delivery of Restaurant Baked Goods With Ballistic Devices

Filed under: Food, Random Stuff — Tags: — Brian Lutz @ 1:21 am

Last week, the Old Spaghetti Factory was celebrating their 45th anniversary by offering their various carb-based meals for $4 for a couple of days.  Me and my girlfriend decided to take advantage of this offer, and unsurprisingly, we found that we weren’t the only ones.  It took close to a 45 minute wait for a table to become available for us after we arrived, and even once we were seated we found the service to be somewhat on the slow side, presumably owing to the large crowds they were dealing with that evening (and no, I’m not complaining about the service, I figure that just comes with the territory when you go for this type of thing.)  Typically, when you start a meal at the Old Spaghetti Factory they bring bread to your table, but even the bread was taking some time to arrive this evening.  Being hungry after 45 minutes of waiting just to get a table, we were naturally getting a little bit impatient.  And when I get impatient, bad ideas usually tend to be the result.  And believe me, I’ve got plenty of those to go around.

It’s not like there was any lack of available bread in the restaurant, at least as far as we could tell.  A quick census of the other tables revealed that a significant number of them had received bread at some point prior, although we did not have any reliable method of determining the  TTB (Time to Bread) value for any except our own table.  Given the fact that the bread at this particular restaurant is typically served hot, it is entirely possible that the baking mechanisms could bottleneck the process at times of extreme volume (it is probably reasonable to assume that this would have been considered a time of high volume) but on the whole, it would seem that the bread supply on hand was adequate.  That would mean the most likely delay in bread delivery to our table would have been the delivery itself, which depended on a server who was presumably too busy dealing with his other tables to deliver bread in a timely fashion.  Surely there has to be some way to speed up this process.

It was about this point that we recalled an incident that happened on one of our Disneyland trips last year.  While wandering around the Pacific Wharf area of California Adventure, we came across the Boudin Bakery, where a number of people were inside preparing what appeared to be bread bowls, presumably for clam chowder or something similar.  We paused for a minute at the window and watched, when suddenly someone inside tossed one of the bread bowls at us.  Fortunately there was a window between us and the flying carbohydrate projectile, but it startled the heck out of us, and months later, we still joke about the time that we went to Disneyland and they threw bread at us.  But upon recalling this, it occurred to us that this could, in fact, be a significantly more efficient way of transferring bread from oven to consumer when compared to the current methods.  Some further research on this subject reveals that I’m not the first person to have this idea.  Lambert’s Cafe, founded in Sikeston Missouri with additional locations in Ozark Missouri and Foley Alabama, has been throwing bread at people for decades.  As you can see from the video below, this is a very efficient method of bread delivery.

Then again, even though setting up a cart in the corner and getting a guy to throw rolls at customers works well in a down-home place like Lambert’s, in a modern high-volume foodservice environment you’re going to need something a bit more efficient than that.  Fortunately, we have plenty of sources we could borrow from for this type of thing.  A quick search reveals that there have been literally hundreds of years of research put into the subject of placing objects in precise locations on a ballistic trajectory.  There are also quite a few time-tested methods of delivering ballistic projectiles to precise locations, any one of which could possibly be adapted to the application of delivering bread in a foodservice environment.  Granted, most of this science behind this type of thing tends to be concerned more with things like heavy boulders and high explosives, but I’m sure some of the existing research could be adapted to baked goods if necessary.  You would probably need to figure out a few minor details like mass, avoiding obstacles and not demolishing the tables and/or restaurant patrons with your bread-delivery system, but I’m sure those problems could probably be sorted out in a year or two.  Targeting could also be an issue, since the average restaurant server tends not to be well acquainted with the art of ballistics.  Fortunately, I think this problem tends to be fairly easy to solve.  After all, most restaurants tend to keep their tables in well-defined fixed locations, so if a pre-programmed computer controlled trajectory could be established for each table and/or seat, then you could ensure reasonably consistent  placement of the baked goods, although for a number of reasons (primarily variance in the mass and aerodynamic properties of the projectiles, as well as any air currents that might be present) within the restaurant) I think you would probably still need to allow for about a 5% margin of error.

There are also some inherent problems with applying this type of solution to existing restaurants, as it turns out that a shockingly small number of the restaurants opened in the United States in the last 50 years have taken projectile physics into consideration in their designs, which creates some challenges when it comes time to integrate a ballistic baked good delivery system into an existing restaurant.  Perhaps the biggest obstacle faced by the designers of such a system is how to deal with ceilings, which would tend to artificially limit the allowable height for projectiles.  In theory the baked goods could still be delivered to their targets on lower trajectories that will keep them at more acceptable altitudes, but this would also require more power to be applied at the launch end, which could result in some complications (including but not limited to spilled drinks, bruising, broken bones, tooth loss, unsightly dents in restaurant walls and/or shattered bottles of top-shelf liquors if a projectile intended for a bar patron goes off course.)  Ultimately, retrofitting an existing restaurant for ballistic bread delivery would ideally involve raising the ceilings to allow for higher arcing trajectories that are less likely to encounter interference from existing fixtures.  Determining the optimal trajectory for each table in a given establishment would also be a matter of trial and error.  Unfortunately, a lot of the existing science on this type of thing tends to be based on the assumption that the intended targets for most ballistic projectiles are intended to be demolished by said projectiles, a condition which is generally considered undesirable in a foodservice environment.  Then again, most baked goods tend to have relatively low mass when compared to most ballistic projectiles, so with a few minor countermeasures to arrest excessive velocity at the receiving end I’m sure something could be worked out that would deliver (mostly) intact bread on a reasonably consistent basis.  More research is clearly needed on this subject.

Then again, I’m not an engineer, and most of what I happen to know about ballistics comes from Wile E. Coyote cartoons and playing Scorched Earth as a kid, so I’m sure there are factors in play here that I have failed to properly consider.  All I know is that there are significant inefficiencies in the current foodservice bread-delivery paradigm, many of which can be solved with the judicious application of physics.  But what if you want butter with your bread?  Well, I guess the engineers still need to figure that one out.

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