The Sledgehammer – Version 2.0

December 20, 2018

A Letter To My True Love

Filed under: Holidays — Tags: — Brian Lutz @ 12:17 pm

(Yes, I’m still alive and well.  I know I haven’t posted in, oh, somewhere around 3 years, but I’ll have to do something about that.  I’m sure there’s plenty to catch up on, but in the meantime please enjoy this,)

December 26, 2018

To My True Love,

First of all, let me express my gratitude for your very generous Christmas gifts this year.  I see that you have chosen to go with a, shall we say, rather traditional theme for your Christmas gift giving this year, and I am at a loss for words to describe your generosity.  That said, I must confess that your gifts have left me with several logistical challenges that I must now attempt to rectify.  I imagine that your Christmas gift must have been a significant undertaking requiring careful planning, so I trust that you may have some advice for me in my current situation.  Please allow me to explain:

  • The partridge doesn’t seem to care much for the pear tree she arrived with, which is currently taking up a significant portion of my rec room and blocking my view of the television from the couch .  I suppose I could attempt to transplant the tree into the front yard, but the middle of December doesn’t seem like the right time of year to be doing that type of thing.  Besides, who would want to be out in the yard digging a hole in this weather anyway?
  • Unfortunately, I am currently unable to locate the turtle doves.  I also haven’t had the time to expend much effort in trying to locate them since I’ve been otherwise occupied (as I will explain further).  My suspicion is that they simply flew away at the first available opportunity, but mostly I just hope that my Maine Coon didn’t eat them.
  • Try as I might, I haven’t found any provision in my Home Owners Association’s covenants that clearly explains whether or not backyard chickens (which I assume would cover the category of French Hens) are permitted in this neighborhood.  This is currently the least of my worries with the HOA though, as some of your later gifts have attracted the unwanted attention of the board;
  • Although the four calling birds were a very thoughtful present, they seem far too enthusiastic about calling for their own good.  Thus far, I have had little luck in being able to quiet them down, even late at night.  I have sought for the best earplugs money can buy, but even those have been less than effective in this matter.  The neighbors have also taken notice, and I have received a number of complaints.  Do you have any advice?
  • As beautiful as the golden rings are, to be perfectly honest I am not quite sure what to do with five of them.  They all look basically the same so there’s not much point in wearing a different one each day.  If I try to wear all five at once it makes me look like a mobster or something, and I don’t even want to know how much the jeweler would charge me to resize all of them to fit anyway.  Oh, and you happen to get these appraised by any chance?  As much as it pains me to admit it, I may be forced to sell several of the rings to cover a number of unforeseen administrative expenses related to some of your other presents.
  • The swans and the geese unfortunately don’t seem to be getting along very well right now.  I suspect most of it has to do with the fact that they are all currently housed in a kiddie pool on the back porch (which I had to borrow from the neighbor’s kids; do you have any idea how difficult it is to buy one of those around here in the middle of December?) but my initial research suggests that a pond of sufficient size to accommodate them would not only take up a significant majority of available space in my back yard, but would also violate at least six or seven sections of my HOA covenants.  And while we’re on the subject, I’m not sure exactly what the six laying geese are supposed to be laying right now, but the current condition of my back porch and lawn seem to suggest that they are currently misguided on this matter.  I’m half-tempted to just let them all fly South for the Winter and be done with it, but I’m sure that would come across as rather ungrateful.  Please advise.
  • The maids were especially thoughtful, but I find myself rather short on dairy cattle lately, so I don’t seem to have the means to employ them appropriately at this time.  I have made inquiries to several local dairy farms for advice, and each one I have contacted (including some of the really pretentious hipster ones) informs me that those tasks are generally automated now, and there is little need for milkmaids anymore.  I have been able to find some light clerical tasks they can assist with in the short term, but it seems like such a waste of their unique skills. Can you suggest any ideas?
  • Those leaping lords I received several days ago are certainly impressive in their performing skills, but lately they’ve been getting, shall we say, rather frisky with the milkmaids and the dancing ladies, to the point that I’ve had to spend most of what little time I have remaining after tending to the impromptu aviary that my backyard has become attempting to chaperone them.  Yeah, I know, the birds and the bees and all that, but can’t they at least get a room?  And preferably not one of mine?  It’s probably a good thing the geese chase away the neighborhood kids if they get anywhere near the yard (I apologize, I probably should have mentioned that a little bit earlier) or I might be having some rather awkward conversations with their parents right now.
  • The pipers and the drummers have been, in a word, cacophonous.  That isn’t to say that they aren’t skilled in their chosen professions, but I suspect they could have used more rehearsal time prior to their arrival, and I suspect a properly trained conductor could do wonders here.  They also seem to have little regard for the neighborhood’s quiet hours rule, and between the aforementioned calling birds, geese, pipers and drummers I have found sleep very difficult to come by as of late.

In short, things around the house have become rather hectic as of late, and I am unfortunately at a loss for ideas on how to handle the situation.  Although I hesitate to even suggest the idea, I must confess that I have considered returning at least some of your gifts to the store, but it appears that none of them came with a gift receipt, and to be honest, I don’t know which store I would even attempt to return any of this stuff to in the first place.

Lacking that option, the best solution I can think of is to try to put together some sort of Avant-garde performance art piece or something, but I have learned that theater owners are not particularly enthusiastic about animal acts (I don’t think I got much out of the expletive-filled tirade over the phone but I did hear “health codes” mentioned once or twice) and even though the dancers are quite skilled in their art it seems that none of them have much in the way of Choreography skills.  In the mean time my room and board costs are getting rather high; My pantry and fridge have been completely cleaned out and during my most recent visit to the local McDonald’s they hastily taped a “CLOSED – Kitchen is on fire” sign to the the door, locked it and hid behind the counter until I left.

Unfortunately, I am at a loss as for what to do in this situation.  Any ideas?

With love,

Your Dearest

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